iAMnameless

after a year, i find i have something to write.

Sunday July 31, 2011

~you drift apart and when time comes you still find you have nothing to talk about. pity your relationship. 

Friday October 30, 2009
Friday October 30, 2009
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Wednesday October 28, 2009

okay, so here’s a truth i’m not too proud to say.

i wait for your text, each and every time i check my cell for a new message, i wait for an unknown number to appear. *ya, i deleted your number just for the thought of deleting it.*

i search for your face, each time i go to school or a place where we would usually hang, i scan the area like a trained dog, sniffing around for a familiar smell. *shit, i just compared myself to a mutt.*

i check your chat status every once in a while, if you were online or not. you will never know how hard it is for me to not visit your cursed profile, fortunately, i’m strong enough to not give in to the tempting promise of checking it out without you knowing. i know what i would see would hurt me more than it should.

you’ve moved on. FINALLY!! you don’t know how long i’ve waited for this moment. now i’m waiting for me to get over you too, i wonder how long that would take. moreover how much.

i waited for you in his wake. i waited. how stupid. i thought you’d be my friend to say the least, one who would sit beside me in silence, waiting for me to be alright and ready to go inside the room. no matter how many of them people stared as they walked on by, no matter how many eyebrows raised. now i know, that was only me.

i feel so stupid to have loved you. but then again, it’s the bitterness talking. it was my call in the first place, to let you go, and well, honestly speaking, it took you long enough to leave things be and give it all up. i can’t expect any more from you anyway. i know that now.

i wait for the day when i won’t have to ask my friends for news about you. or when i won’t feel anxious to see your fucking number on my cp screen. or when i won’t get affected by the news of you getting it on with a former schoolmate of mine who happend to be a close friend to. shit, you’re such a flirt, i wish you’d suck it. leave my mind alone.

i don’t want to lie to my friends, but i mean, they’re not asking anyway.

here’s another truth.

Saturday September 12, 2009

i shouldn’t care, i’ve already move on, but one can never totally forget. no one can ever totally forget, even patients with amnesia have dreams about their past. even crazy people have their “lucid” intervals. even patients with alzhiemer’s….. we all know where that’s going.

i loved him, the moment everything went wrong.

the moment i said goodbye.

then he proved to me he was not worth it at all…

and now, i say i’ve moved on, but i can’t deny, i still remember loving him…. once in a while.

now…. more than ever.

i love someone else. i love him, i love him, i love him. and reading this won’t ever help you understand how much i love him, but i know deep in me that i love him more than i’ve ever loved a guy before. how i wish you could feel the gravity of the emotions..

love and hate. forgetting and remembering.

everything is so overwhelming.

and that’s another truth.

i wonder….

Sunday August 23, 2009

how it feels to die…. though i’m living an almost perfect life,

i wonder.

blood dripping down these snow white arms…

heartbeat fading with every breath.

you’d feel the pain, eating up all that’s keeping you from falling.

but the best ecstasy is that which numbs all the senses,

with one cut, one kill.

the best ecstasy, is seeing the good ones falter, like wilting petals, knowing you’re going with them, to a much better place, now that you cut yourslef and that there’s no turning back. the best ecstasy is to leave this hell they, your own personal devils, subdue upon you each day.

the best ecstasy, if not to KILL, is to DIE.

—————-this is an angry post.

leeyan:

i thought i had his heart by a string, good thing he proved me wrong…..
Friday August 21, 2009

leeyan:

i thought i had his heart by a string, good thing he proved me wrong…..

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a puppeteer no more…

Friday August 21, 2009

no strings attached, i’m not a puppeteer,
no strings at all, i won’t play your heart my dear,
so hand me the sharpest scissors and let the whole world know..
i’m cutting all strings attached, i’m finally letting go.

i fell inlove with a memory…
i fell inlove with my story.
i was inlove, i’ll let the whole world know.

i am inlove, with the one i let go.

aFFiliation101608

Thursday August 13, 2009

i liked it when you held my hand

i actually wanted to stop time just so you could hold my hand for a little longer.

i felt you weren’t gonna let go,

but you never forced me to stay..

once in a while the memories slip in,

and i can’t help but wish i could have had more time.

i don’t regret what i said.

but i still keep thinking about how things would be if i took the other way.

right now i want you to be my friend.

that’s what i told you

i was sure that’s what i want

but there’s still one thing i forgot to say….

i just… i want you close.

i know it would hurt you..

my mind keeps saying it would,

but my heart just won’t stop wanting you close.

it hurts how much i want you close.

because love is not my reason… i think.

all i know is that i want you to be my friend.

and that I WANT YOU CLOSE…

I WANT YOU CLOSE.

Make your own recovery the first priority in your life.
Robin Norwood
Monday August 10, 2009
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